This is a natural extension of
the first myth. When you discover that Mr. Perfect isn't so perfect and Mrs. Perfect isn't so perfect, there is a human tendency
to wonder if perhaps one married the wrong person.
Think back to the circumstances
under which you married, if you are or have been married. I am speaking now primarily to persons who are married or have been
married, although there are very serious implications for those who are in the process of selecting a mate. The reason I am
reserving this to those of us who are married or have been married is that hindsight brings with it an amazingly accurate
insight, compared to feelings of the present.
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Be honest with yourself. Why did
you marry that man? What did you think you could get from him? Why did you marry that woman? What did you see in her? What
could she give you? Some of us will have to scratch our memories a bit. We are now 10, 20, 30, 40 to 50 years beyond that
important decision. You see how culturally conditioned that decision was. He met a role expectation, didn't he? She met a
role expectation, didn't she? He looked like he would be so successful. She was so pretty. He was such an athlete. Your mother
said he was better for you than the other guy. Your parents said that she came from such a good home.
Think of all the bartering that
goes on in our minds. For some of us, we lived in a time when couples just naturally got married at the time they graduated
from high school or college. So what did they do? Some just married the person they happened to be going with at that point
in life. Just think of what that is. Here we are between age 18 and 25, seeing the world from that limited perspective and
blurred somewhat by that crazy mix of hormones.
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Twenty-two years ago, I returned
to my 25th reunion of my high school graduating class. It just so happened that my daughter, Suzanne, attended it with me.
Two of my old girlfriends were at the reunion. Was it ever embarrassing for me to try to explain to Suzanne why I had broken
up with one girl for another. She had heard me talk about both of them. After seeing them both, 25 years later, it was quite
clear that good old Dad didn't have his head screwed on quite as straight as the family folklore he handed down had implied.
So, perhaps years later, we wake
up to the reality that we married a person for the wrong reasons. We can equate that fact with the myth that we, therefore,
married the wrong person. Out there somewhere is Mr. Perfect or Ms. Perfect. At the earliest opportunity, we will find that
one. In the meantime, let's get rid of this problem character who wasn't right in the first place, who was chosen for some
very wrong reasons.
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That is what is happening to the
woman who has quite bluntly told her husband of some fifteen years, "You're a nice guy. I like you a whole lot. You're just
not successful enough for me. You don't make enough money. I'm going to find someone who can provide the lifestyle I deserve."
Don't get shocked. I know a woman who said exactly those words to her husband, and I watched her walk away, leaving the one
she called "Mr. Wrong," thinking she had found "Mr. Right." Actually, she was not much more aware of what was attracting her
to him than she was to what had attracted her to her first husband. And how my heart broke as I watched those kids, the puzzled
expressions on their faces, watching Mommy take off with this new guy. She wants them to call him "Daddy," when they know
who their real daddy is.
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And I don't need to reverse the
story, talking about men walking off and leaving their wives of many years for newer and younger models. We see plenty of
that.
The truth is that we may very well
marry for the wrong reasons. The truth is that we may very well do it over again, and even again, in a restless search for
the perfect person.
Another sad truth is that our society
has now begun to endorse this as a valid way of doing business. Careful studies show that each subsequent endeavor to find
the right person only exponentially increases the potential for divorce.
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