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The goal of this web site, is to become a one-stop resource for victims of domestic violence and abuse. When
in a crisis, time is of the essence to find valuable information quickly. Please join us in this effort to minimize the research
for those who need answers now. Donating via Paypal is fast, secure, and free. Thank you very much!
“But
Jesus said, ‘Someone did touch Me, for I was aware
that
power had gone out of Me.’ ”
Luke 9:46
One
of the main questions the abused may ask is, “Can my abuser change?” In many cases, there are some good things
that an abused person sees in their abuser. Otherwise, they would be more willing to flee, and not care if he or she ever
changed-just so they are free from the abuse.
There
are many factors that may bind an abused woman to a horrific situation. The lack of money or resources, family or social support,
children, guilt or fear-all have a bearing on decisions to stay or leave. Christian women may stay because they are often
taught that it is their duty to bear the abuse. Worst yet, they are counseled to “change” so that the abuser will
change.
Then
again, I believe that people tend to accept love where they can find it. Even if the love is exhibited between beatings and
put-downs, to some, that is better than being alone. In the movie Sling Blade,
the abused woman’s young son asked his mother why she puts up with the abuse from her boyfriend. And basically, she
explained that it is the “good times” that she holds onto. In her mind-her dream state, she holds onto the
good, loving and peaceful times. Like the saying goes, “When it’s good it’s good-but when it’s bad,
it’s bad.” I believe that it is the “good” that cause many women to hang in there.
…………………………………….
In
another part of the movie, the abused mother expressed to her son that perhaps her boyfriend would “get tired of her”
and “leave on his own.” This way, she felt that perhaps he would not be interested in harming her, for the choice
would be his to leave her. Her abuser had threatened to “kill” her many times if she ever left him. In this instance,
she was playing a deadly waiting game. She told her son, “We just have to bide our time.” What the mother didn’t
realize in this movie is that her abusive situation was breeding a very angry young boy. He had often stated, “I ain’t
never gonna be happy!” And he expressed that he was “nervous” all the time. He “hated” her boyfriend.
God
created us with the capability of giving and receiving love, for He Himself is love (1 John 4:8). Of all His commands for mankind, the
greatest of them is love-“Love the lord thy God with all of thy heart,” (Luke 10:27). And we are commanded to
“Love one another,” (John 13:34). The difference between God’s love and our love is, God’s love is
unconditional. It is not based on feelings or emotions. God’s love is forever; humans love until the other person is
no longer useful to them, or fail to supply their never-ending needs.
…………………………………….
Numerous
abused women desire their abusers to change, for they want the relationship to work. Each woman has her own reasons,
and her own level of satisfaction that she gains from living with domestic violence and abuse-the good times. And I don’t
buy the notion that she just “hates herself.” When an abuser is in the honeymoon stage, he can be quite loving,
charming, witty, and just what the doctor ordered. And please don’t misunderstand what I have just written. I am not
saying that abused women are satisfied with the violence and/or the abuse. I am simply saying, there is something about the
dynamics of that relationship, the positive side that she desires. What happens during the “honeymoon” stage,
the temporary bliss, is desired for all times.
This
is the stage of hope, and good times. A rekindling of lost love and desire. It is a time when promises are made to not hit
her again, and the gesture is sealed with flowers. It is a time when the abuser swears that he would never again call her
the ugly names that just “pop out” of his mouth. The “honeymoon” stage is the most deceptive, conning,
and destructive of all the other stages. It is within this stage that abused women die a little more inside each day. It is this
stage where guards are relaxed, new compromises are reached, and self-worth is sacrificed. It is the “give him
one more chance” stage that allows the abuser to fine-tune his abusive tactics. This is the stage where the abuser possibly
plots your demise.
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YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM
Domestic
violence and abuse are learned behaviors. And anything that one learns can be unlearned. It won’t
happen overnight, but the possibility is always there. However, it is vital that you-the abused-realize that you cannot
change your abuser. The best that you can hope for is to change yourself, and free yourself from the hellish nightmare of
violence and abuse. There is NOTHING on this earth that you can do to cause one to abandon the ways of violence
and abuse. NOTHING! Once you accept this truth, then and only then will you be able to take positive steps
to change your own life.
…………………………………….
God
is the only One that knows the depths of our hearts. He knows the intents of the heart, (Genesis 8:21); He looks at the heart,
(1Samuel 16:7); He searches the heart, (Romans 8:27), and He is able to change the heart of man, (Exodus 4:21). The heart referred to in these scriptures are the “mind or seat of emotions” of a man or woman.
When people speak of their failings as human beings, it is often said, “God knows my heart.” What they are implying
is-although they make blunders in life, God knows the real intentions of their hearts. Usually, they imply that God knows
that there is some good within their hearts, in spite of their mistakes.
This
could very well be the lament of numerous abusers. Many practice violence and abuse, but don’t know how to stop this
destructive behavior. I read in a post online about a man who admitted to being verbally abusive to his intended bride. Until
he read forum posts from other abused women, he didn’t realize that his destructive behavior was causing so much
pain. He was reaching out for help. I applaud him for humbling himself to take a good look at his behavior. He became
enlightened that "he" has a serious problem. Perhaps God touched his heart.
…………………………………….
The
first step to changing abusive behavior is education, both secular and biblical.
The more domestic violence and abuse issues are brought to light, the more these truths will reach the ears and hearts of
those who need to be educated. This goes for both the abused and the abusers. The man who wrote that post online may have
first heard of his mistreatment from his fiancé. Perhaps the thought of losing her was enough for him to seek help and change.
I would characterize this man as having a heart that can be massaged. He has a willing heart to understand the behavior that
is destroying his relationship. This is a heart that God can heal.
…………………………………….
The
next step is acknowledgement. If those who abuse and physically hurt others don’t
admit that "they" have a problem, there is no hope for change. Selfish hearts that continue to blame others for their
shortcomings do not change. Stubborn wills that live with a sense of entitlement, and justify their harming others
do not change. It is possible for them to change, but they cannot make the change on their own. And please understand
that when an abuser does change his ways, it is a change of heart that brought about the transformation.
Repentance is the step where the life changing transformation takes place.
I will go into further detail concerning education, acknowledgement, and repentance as we go along.
…………………………………….
EDUCATION
It
is vital, that women learn all they can about domestic violence and abuse. And whatever they learn should be passed on to
the younger women, especially teenagers. It is much easier for women to fortify themselves with this important information
than it is for abusers to obtain it. The only time an abuser is forced to learn about his abusive ways is when he has abused
a woman, and has been arrested for his crime. A judge most likely will mandate that the abuser attend domestic violence classes-as
part of the consequences of his arrest. But will completion of the classes rid his heart of abuse? Don’t count
on it. The classes are an external band-aid-that means nothing to a cold-hearted individual.
Women,
who are empowered with life-changing information, can and often do make more informed choices. However, the key is, think with your head, and not with your heart. I love the euphoria of being in love as well as any
woman. God places a very high premium on love, and that we “should” love one another. Unfortunately, as we can
prove by our world’s present conditions, not many know the true meaning of loving another, or themselves for that matter.
…………………………………….
I
truly believe, and the bible backs this up, that we are allowed to suffer certain situations in life so that we can help others.
When my mother died in years past, people who still had their mothers-alive used to tell me they know what I am feeling. My
thoughts would always be, “No, you don’t know what I am feeling.” My comforters may have been referring
to how I felt losing a loved-one; but never could they know my feelings of losing my mother if they still had theirs. Now,
I can comfort someone who has lost their mother, for I do know what they are feeling. If they say, “I feel like a mother-less
child,” I can relate. If they feel bad because they didn’t get a chance to say “Good-bye,” I can identify
with that pain as well. Through our pain, we are able to comfort by God’s grace:
“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the
God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble,
by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (King James
Version)
In
the same way, I am equipped to comfort abused women who have experienced the horrors of violence and abuse. You don’t
need a formal education in order to reach out to those who are hurting. Our society is big on credentials, however, the only
qualifications that you need to console the abused is personal experience. And
as a Christian, you are armed with the one guide that possesses life-changing words from God Himself-the bible.
It would be wonderful, if all abusers would be receptive to the
vast information that provides a mirror of their negative behaviors. But this is a miracle that only God can perform. In the
meantime, I implore you to arm yourselves with biblical truths, and research domestic violence and abuse as much as you can.
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"Men Stopping Violence" is a good place
to find information for violence intervention. Please click on the following link to go directly to their web site:
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You will also note on the Men Stopping Violence Website
a very important reason for
getting involved:
"WE HAVE DAUGHTERS!"
Think about your own daughters, would you stand by and watch them
beaten down and destroyed by violence? What about your grand-children? Family members, neighbors, whomever?
DON'T DELAY! GET INVOLVED TODAY!
NOTE:
No
portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.
©
Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.
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Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD
BIBLE®,© Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation - Used by permission.
(www.Lockman.org)
Also using scripture from the KJV where
noted.
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IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!
Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
To learn more about the Hotline, please click on the following link:
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SAFETY ALERT:
Computer use can be monitored and it is impossible to completely clear all website footprints.
If you are in danger, please use a safer computer
that your abuser can not access
directly or remotely.
Learn more about internet safety:
NOTE:
THIS WEBSITE DOES NOT ENDORSE ANY PARTICULAR CHURCH OR BELIEF, EXCEPT CHRISTIAN BELIEFS. However, the Wisdom of God can be
found wherever God leads us to discover and experience it. Jesus Christ and Him crucified is the foundation of this ministry.
DISCLAIMER
Any information on this site
is for informational purposes only. Visitors of this site shall assume all responsibility as to how the shared information
will be used on a personal basis. This organization does not provide counseling services of any kind.
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