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I grew up reading Dick and Jane, Cinderella, and all the books that young girls cherished about love and romance.
I lived in a row home in Philadelphia, but that didn’t stop me from envisioning my Prince riding down my street, coming
to rescue me. Our row home didn’t have a white picket fence, didn’t matter. Someday my Prince and I would have
a white picket fence of our own.
One day he would ride boldly to my mother’s house, and demand to take me away from the madness; the fury
of domestic violence. No more would I suffer neglect and damaging effects of the violence, for I would be whisked away in
a flash. While riding on the back of his beautiful white stallion, I would wave goodbye to my mother’s dysfunctional
household, leaving all the pain and misery behind.
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There was no need to pack the rags that I was accustomed to wearing. My Prince would provide any and everything that
I could possibly need. There would be no more hunger, for I would feast on the delicacies prepared by staff in his far away
castle. My mind would only know peace, no more war. No more waking up in the middle of the night, crying, frightened, and
bewildered.
I would
stay at home like Jane, (Dick and Jane) – waving goodbye every morning from the edge of our white picket fence. I would
be beautiful, at peace, and know only love and deep affection. My Prince would come home faithfully to me, and only have eyes
for me and me alone. Like Cinderella, my Prince would reject all others, and we would live happily ever after. Oh dear Mother,
someday, I will leave your madness, and fly away.
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I dreamed of my Prince back in the 60’s, and here it is 2012, and women are still waiting for a Knight in shining
armor. A new generation is envisioning the same white picket fence that I prayed for years ago. It seems that no one has bothered
to tell them the truth, what a shame!
Before I move on, I am not some kind of Prophetess of doom. I am a realist, and life has taught me to be one over
and over again – especially in the area of personal relationships and marriage. Anita Baker says it best in her song-Fairy Tales, "Reality steps into view."
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Now there is nothing
wrong with young girls reading Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and books of this sort. However, those who place these books in
their hands should inform them that these books are for "entertainment only." Better yet, the books should
come with a warning, "This is not real life!" Children find their own way to cope with violence and neglect while growing up. My coping mechanism
was reading, and my imagination. I was a dreamer, and dreaming was my escape. My books were the gateway to another world,
one that did not know domestic violence, abuse, or neglect.
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On the other hand, perhaps there are mothers’ who read these stories to their young daughters, and they live
in homes not filled with violence. Everyone loves a love story with a happy ending, and caring mothers try hard to present
the good in the world to their children. Loving parents try to avoid planting seeds of paranoia concerning dysfunctional people
in the world, so sometimes fantasy is a good thing.
If I were raising a little girl today that loved to read fairy tales, I would read them with her. I would not take
away the part of her that dreams of having a good marriage someday. But I would definitively let her know that real life isn’t
how we fantasize it to be. She could keep her fantasies, but she would also be armed with reality.
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HAPPY ENDINGSMovie goers love a happy ending. After all the
drama, pitfalls, obstacles, and antagonism, we all root for our heroes to come win the struggle. When our hero dies, we are
disappointed. When love dies, we are devastated. Most, if not all couples (do) anticipate
happiness in their marriage. Unfortunately, the divorce rate shrinks the percentage. As we read about the divorce rate
in our country, we know that not many people have found what makes for longevity, and happiness in a marriage.
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The only "perfect
paradise" that I believe exists is the one spoken of in the Bible. Jesus told the thief on the cross that was condemned
to die alongside of Him, "Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise" (Luke 23:43). Adam and Eve
experienced paradise on earth, and they blew it (Genesis 2:8), chapter 3. We are living in a fallen, sin-filled world and
nothing and no flesh is perfect.
You may meet a "nice" man, and he may seem to be the answer to your prayers. But
with the absence of a good Christian father, you may not know what to look for in choosing the right man for you. Or,
allowing the right man to choose you. "Nice" could be a cover-up for many negative characteristics
that will come out later. So, what can you do? Listen to our heavenly Father’s guidance:
"Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but
test the spirits to see whether they are from God…" (1 John 4:1)
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Although the above
scripture is referring to false prophets, the same advice should apply to Mr. "Nice." The Greek work for "spirit"
is PNEUMA. It can be used in reference to "the breath" (2 Thessalonians 2:8). And "the immaterial, invisible part of man," (Luke 8:55). PNEUMA also refers to
the "sentient element in man, that by which he perceives, reflects, feels, desires," (Matthew 26:41), and in Romans
7:22, "the inner man."
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So when we "test" the spirits of others, we are searching for the qualities that one who claims to serve
God should possess. Is Mr. "Nice" humble in spirit? God was able to use Moses because he was "very humble-more
than any man who was on the face of the earth" (Numbers 12:3). Your Mr. "Nice" may not be on the same spiritual
level as Moses, but possessing humility will bring him God’s grace. Here is an example of a check list that you can
use to "test the spirit" of your new love, or the man you have doubts about.
(James 4:6-10; Job 5:11; Matthew 23:12)
"Humble yourselves in the presence of the
Lord, and He will exalt you." Does he humble himself in the presence of our Lord? Does Mr. "Nice" treat
you and others with disrespect, or does he humble himself in front of your family and friends? How does he treat you in private?
When no one else is around, does he still exhibit Christ-like qualities? Or does he come out a bag on you?
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Proverbs 16:32;
15:29; Proverbs 15:2) Is
he able to rule his spirit? Is he quick or even tempered? Does Mr.
"Nice" have a problem with verbal abuse? Are there signs of anger? When he speaks, does he speak words of wisdom,
or does his mouth bring forth folly? Has he ever threatened violence or acted on it? Does he throw things when upset,
or frighten you with his anger?
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(Ecclesiastes 7:8; Ephesians 4:32)Is your Knight patient in spirit, or does he exhibit
haughtiness of spirit? Does he walk in the Spirit of God? And possess the fruits of the Spirit? And they are:Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Does he easily forgive others their trespasses?
(1 John 3:4-10; Ephesians 5:3) Does Mr. “Nice” lead you into sin when you want to do what is right? Do you find yourself compromising
your salvation to have this man in your life? Does he often say things like “God understands” when he continually
sins and entices you to do so?
(Colossians
3:9; Ephesians 4:25; Proverbs 19:22; John 8:44; Psalm 52:1-4)Has your Knight ever lied to you? Does Mr. “Nice”
make a habit of lying to you or others? Have you found his words and actions to be unreliable? Does he say one thing, and
do another? Does he lack integrity?
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(1
Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 1:1-19)Does Mr. “Nice” keep good company?
Have you ever met his family and friends? What are they like? Does he try to isolate you from your family and friends? Have
you ever been told that he is all that you need, and you do not need your family and friends anymore? Be very careful with
isolation, abusers plot to get you alone and away from support of family and friends.
(Psalm 53:1; Ecclesiastes 12:13; Psalm 10:4)
Most importantly, does your Mr. “Nice” believe in God, worship God, fear God, acknowledge God, and encourage
others to serve God? Does he pray to the God of heaven? Does he trust God? Does he hinder you from worshiping God? Does he
manipulate your religious beliefs? Make fun of them? Put you down because you are a believer?
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Certainly this list could go on and on. However, I have laid a foundation
upon which you could and should assess your future mate, or current mate – especially if you are experiencing violence,
abuse or threats of any kind. This list is not meant to frighten you in any way. Nor is it meant to eliminate the wonders
or courtship, or cause you to become fearful of others. It simply serves as a guide to the kind of man that will treat you
with respect, and love you as God demands that you should be loved.
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In order to form relationships with other human beings, there has to be some level of trust. However, when we operate
with blind faith, we often set ourselves up for situations that may be difficult to get out of. And domestic violence and
abuse are very good examples of harmful situations that may not entirely be avoided, but you won’t miss the signs if
you allow yourself to recognize the handwriting on the wall.
When you find yourself being wooed and courted with flattery, hopefully this list and others will be embedded within
your heart for future references. Otherwise, you may assume that over-flattering behavior is normal. If you are in a new relationship,
be careful if your admirer is: A. Obsessed with you. B. In a hurry to form a more mature relationship. C. Adores you and barely
knows you. Usually, these signs are huge red flags that should not be ignored. They often mean that a messed up person is
trying to intimately connect with you before their inner demons rear their ugly heads, and you see him or her for what,
and who they really are.
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