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"They stripped Him...mocked Him...spat
on Him...and began to beat Him on the head...they crucified Him."
Matthew Chapter 27
CURSE, CRY AND
SCREAM AND LIE
Nothing dispels the fantasy of a happy ending like
a relationship gone wrong. When our “perfect paradise” is replaced with domestic violence and abuse, there is
nothing “happy” about what we are experiencing at all. So what is a “happy ending?” Have you ever
given that term any real thought? Can this mean that divorce would have a “happy ending?” What about “until
death do us part?” Would that also fall under the category of a “happy ending?” Is a “perfect paradise”
ever supposed to end in the first place? Is there such a thing to exist in the first place?
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Perhaps when a mother tucks her little girl in bed at night, the
fairy tale she read to her signified that in life every situation has a “happy ending.” Meaning, no matter what
we go through, in the end, all will be well. In real life, people die, divorce, abuse, misuse, misguide, murder, rape, and
just downright mistreat one another. How do we explain to our children that not all situations end with happiness?
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Cinderella’s cruel treatment by her step-family ended when the Prince found the rightful owner of the glass
slipper. Snow White was poisoned by her wicked step-mother disguised as an old beggar woman. If not for the Prince who
kissed her, she would have died. Amazingly, she came back to life, and of course, the Prince asked Snow White to be his wife.
She was “so lovely” he had to kiss her beautiful lips – another “happily ever after” ending.
The same scenario holds true for Sleeping Beauty, a Prince kissed her and broke the evil spell that was cast upon her. They
were married, and “lived contented to the end of their days.”
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Nowhere
in either of these love stories did you read about the cursing, crying, screaming, and lying that takes place in real life
relationships. Neither Prince beat or abused their wives or sent them to the hospital with bruises and broken bones. This
didn’t happen. And you want to know why? – Because these people were perfect.
Their lives were perfect. Their marriages
lasted and they dwelled perfectly contented
with one another. And how is this possible? – Because they weren’t “real” people. They are the products
of creative minds that have a way with telling a story.
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Real people fight; scream at one another, cry and often times tell
lies to hide their wrong-doing. Real life relationships consist of real life people with real life issues and real life dysfunction.
Now let me say this, fairy tales were written primarily with the female audience in mind. The basic theme of the aforementioned
fairy tales center on a woman needing to be rescued, and all it takes is a kiss from a handsome Prince to fulfill this need.
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I am not against fantasy; however, we desperately need to separate
fact from fiction in the minds of our young girls, and some older woman as well. The beginning of a new relationship may feel
like you are headed towards “happily ever after,” but I promise you that there is no such thing in real
life. Even couples that managed to stay married for fifty years will tell you, "It wasn’t easy." I assure
you that there was a lot of give and take, and in some cases, the givers just caved in and let the takers set the pace. Like
the saying goes, “Why fight City Hall?”
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CLEAN OUT OF SIGHT!
“I’d be so happy with him, we’d ride clean out of sight.” It is very common for an abuser to move his wife or girlfriend
far away from the support of family and friends. Why? He will be able to exercise power and control over his victim without
interference. There will be no big brothers taking him to task for his actions, and no running back home to momma. While waving
goodbye to family after the wedding, unsuspecting mates have no idea of the fury that awaits them down the road.
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Once the intended victim is away from family and friend support, she
may begin to experience economic abuse as well. Many abused women are prevented from working, and having any money of their
own. The satisfaction of having her legitimate needs met will be determined by the man who imprisons her in their home. In
extreme cases, the abused woman is not allowed to have her own transportation or a telephone in the home, even for emergency
purposes.
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Isolation will further serve to increase the abused to depend on her abuser
for everything, including her social needs. Even if he encourages her to make friends within their new surroundings,
the abuser will control who she sees, and when see is allowed to see them. If the abused spends too much time with her new
friends, her privileges may be cut off, as the abuser feels unjustified neglect from his mate. You can be sure that he
will check up on her at all times.
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Over time, your Knight in shining armor takes on the persona of
an evil warden. His wanting you all to himself was once flattering, but now you see the real deal. You are now all alone with
a monster, and no one to use for a sounding board, or call for help. No doubt your Knight-turned abuser will justify his control
and mistreatment as a way of proving his love for you. Some women have been locked in a room while the abuser went to work,
and even denied food or toilet privileges. This is the extreme of domestic violence and abuse, but it happens, often. The
once happy bride is now a miserable prisoner.
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OUT IN THE WILDERNESS
Life can really beat up on you at times-don’t you agree? People on your corporate job give you grief; and no
matter how hard you work, your employer is never satisfied. Irate customers cause your blood pressure to rise, but you are
the “professional,” so you endure. Besides, losing your cool could cost you your job, and these days, employment
is extremely difficult to find. So you take what is dished out, constantly – even at home.Traffic is creeping, and your gas gauge is nearly on empty. You put
in your favorite CD hoping to ease your mind, and not think about your rough day at work and the long ride home. Your mind
drifts to last night, the argument you had with your spouse. As always, you are trying to make sense of it, mostly what it
was all about. You and your husband argue a lot lately, and for some strange reason, you are always to blame. As you make
your way home you can’t help but wonder what happened to your “perfect paradise.” Only one year after marriage
and your fairy tale marriage is on the rocks.
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The fairy tales your mother read to you spoke of “happy endings,”
but they didn’t prepare you for verbal abuse. You envisioned stories with “happy endings,” as your life
would be-but “not like this.” The love you waited so long for would “save” you, and chase away all
of your fears, even “slay all dragons.” The “evil prince” didn’t stand a chance, no, not with
your Knight. But something happened, and now you spend your days crying, while your Prince screams. He lies, and you are living
a lie. You are afraid that someday he will even say, “Goodbye.”
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The two became one, but you are walking your wilderness alone. The “stormy seas” rage from within and
without, there is no peace at home-anywhere-anymore. Your Knight left you “standing out in the wilderness, alone in
the cold.” You fight the day to day battles of the world, and come home to your private battle of domestic violence.
There is no “pie in the sky,” no “life in paradise.” Your fantasy of “magic spells” and
marital bliss proved to be poisoned apples in disguise. No more “royal” kisses, the “fantasy is over,”
but it is not your “destiny to die!”
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Your story ended like too many love stories do, “reality steps into view.”..............................................
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
Fairy tales are a set-up for failure, if they are
accepted as real life. Young girls, who envision the fantasy of being rescued, will spend their lives waiting for just that-to
be rescued by a handsome Prince. Someone who will make all the bad things in life disappear with the touch of a kiss. The
problems that fairy tales create for young, middle-aged and elder females is this, they learn to spend their lives looking
outside of themselves for validation and self-worth.
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And
here is another point, no man can validate you because most of them are broken themselves. While women are searching for someone
to “rescue” them, so are many men. And when you meet an emotionally needy man, and you are emotionally needy yourself,
what do you think will be the result? Someone is bound to be disappointed in the end.
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You are possibly looking for the protective father you never had, and
he is possibly looking for the nurturing mother he never had. The end result, the relationship will most likely fail. For,
neither one of you can take the place of a parent that wasn’t what they should have been to you as a child.
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And
the opposite is also true; you cannot spoil your mate like they were spoiled by a parent. Daddy may have made a lot of money
in his successful business. But your husband works a blue-collar job, and he is barely making ends meet. You cannot push him
to be like Daddy-he is not your Daddy! And a man cannot expect his spouse to run behind him with a pooper scooper just because
his Mommy did it. Your mate may believe in equally sharing the household chores, and caring for the kids.
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Fairy tales cause women to envision how they would “like”
things to be in a relationship, but “reality” is a sorrowful eye-opener. As human beings, especially women, we
must learn to see humanity as clearly as God see us-broken and in need of His love, guidance, forgiveness and salvation.
This is very difficult to do; however, we as women must learn to think with our heads,
and not with our hearts. Our hearts often prove to be deceitful in many ways. We can be deceived by others and their
intentions and we can deceive ourselves through our emotions. Proverbs 12:20 confirms that “deceit is in the heart.”
And James 1:26 also verifies that we are capable of deceiving our own hearts.
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NOTE: Satan's most effective tool is deception. Even if the abused miss the warning signs, the violent
and abusive behaviors are still the responsibility of the abusers.
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Women DON'T need FAIRY TALES! |
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"Do you keep hoping that if you just love him enough he'll change?" |
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"Excellent book for anyone caught up in another person." |
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