Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence

CURSE, CRY AND SCREAM AND LIE
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"They stripped Him...mocked Him...spat on Him...and began to beat Him on the head...they crucified Him."
 
Matthew Chapter 27

CURSE, CRY AND SCREAM AND LIE


Nothing dispels the fantasy of a happy ending like a relationship gone wrong. When our “perfect paradise” is replaced with domestic violence and abuse, there is nothing “happy” about what we are experiencing at all. So what is a “happy ending?” Have you ever given that term any real thought? Can this mean that divorce would have a “happy ending?” What about “until death do us part?” Would that also fall under the category of a “happy ending?” Is a “perfect paradise” ever supposed to end in the first place? Is there such a thing to exist in the first place?

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Perhaps when a mother tucks her little girl in bed at night, the fairy tale she read to her signified that in life every situation has a “happy ending.” Meaning, no matter what we go through, in the end, all will be well. In real life, people die, divorce, abuse, misuse, misguide, murder, rape, and just downright mistreat one another. How do we explain to our children that not all situations end with happiness?

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Cinderella’s cruel treatment by her step-family ended when the Prince found the rightful owner of the glass slipper. Snow White was poisoned by her wicked step-mother disguised as an old beggar woman. If not for the Prince who kissed her, she would have died. Amazingly, she came back to life, and of course, the Prince asked Snow White to be his wife. She was “so lovely” he had to kiss her beautiful lips – another “happily ever after” ending. The same scenario holds true for Sleeping Beauty, a Prince kissed her and broke the evil spell that was cast upon her. They were married, and “lived contented to the end of their days.”

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Nowhere in either of these love stories did you read about the cursing, crying, screaming, and lying that takes place in real life relationships. Neither Prince beat or abused their wives or sent them to the hospital with bruises and broken bones. This didn’t happen. And you want to know why? – Because these people were perfect. Their lives were perfect. Their marriages lasted and they dwelled perfectly contented with one another. And how is this possible? – Because they weren’t “real” people. They are the products of creative minds that have a way with telling a story.

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Real people fight; scream at one another, cry and often times tell lies to hide their wrong-doing. Real life relationships consist of real life people with real life issues and real life dysfunction. Now let me say this, fairy tales were written primarily with the female audience in mind. The basic theme of the aforementioned fairy tales center on a woman needing to be rescued, and all it takes is a kiss from a handsome Prince to fulfill this need.

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I am not against fantasy; however, we desperately need to separate fact from fiction in the minds of our young girls, and some older woman as well. The beginning of a new relationship may feel like you are headed towards “happily ever after,” but I promise you that there is no such thing in real life. Even couples that managed to stay married for fifty years will tell you, "It wasn’t easy." I assure you that there was a lot of give and take, and in some cases, the givers just caved in and let the takers set the pace. Like the saying goes, “Why fight City Hall?”

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CLEAN OUT OF SIGHT!

“I’d be so happy with him, we’d ride clean out of sight.” It is very common for an abuser to move his wife or girlfriend far away from the support of family and friends. Why? He will be able to exercise power and control over his victim without interference. There will be no big brothers taking him to task for his actions, and no running back home to momma. While waving goodbye to family after the wedding, unsuspecting mates have no idea of the fury that awaits them down the road.
 
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Once the intended victim is away from family and friend support, she may begin to experience economic abuse as well. Many abused women are prevented from working, and having any money of their own. The satisfaction of having her legitimate needs met will be determined by the man who imprisons her in their home. In extreme cases, the abused woman is not allowed to have her own transportation or a telephone in the home, even for emergency purposes.

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Isolation will further serve to increase the abused to depend on her abuser for everything, including her social needs. Even if he encourages her to make friends within their new surroundings, the abuser will control who she sees, and when see is allowed to see them. If the abused spends too much time with her new friends, her privileges may be cut off, as the abuser feels unjustified neglect from his mate. You can be sure that he will check up on her at all times.

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Over time, your Knight in shining armor takes on the persona of an evil warden. His wanting you all to himself was once flattering, but now you see the real deal. You are now all alone with a monster, and no one to use for a sounding board, or call for help. No doubt your Knight-turned abuser will justify his control and mistreatment as a way of proving his love for you. Some women have been locked in a room while the abuser went to work, and even denied food or toilet privileges. This is the extreme of domestic violence and abuse, but it happens, often. The once happy bride is now a miserable prisoner.

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OUT IN THE WILDERNESS

Life can really beat up on you at times-don’t you agree? People on your corporate job give you grief; and no matter how hard you work, your employer is never satisfied. Irate customers cause your blood pressure to rise, but you are the “professional,” so you endure. Besides, losing your cool could cost you your job, and these days, employment is extremely difficult to find. So you take what is dished out, constantly – even at home.Traffic is creeping, and your gas gauge is nearly on empty. You put in your favorite CD hoping to ease your mind, and not think about your rough day at work and the long ride home. Your mind drifts to last night, the argument you had with your spouse. As always, you are trying to make sense of it, mostly what it was all about. You and your husband argue a lot lately, and for some strange reason, you are always to blame. As you make your way home you can’t help but wonder what happened to your “perfect paradise.” Only one year after marriage and your fairy tale marriage is on the rocks.

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The fairy tales your mother read to you spoke of “happy endings,” but they didn’t prepare you for verbal abuse. You envisioned stories with “happy endings,” as your life would be-but “not like this.” The love you waited so long for would “save” you, and chase away all of your fears, even “slay all dragons.” The “evil prince” didn’t stand a chance, no, not with your Knight. But something happened, and now you spend your days crying, while your Prince screams. He lies, and you are living a lie. You are afraid that someday he will even say, “Goodbye.”

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The two became one, but you are walking your wilderness alone. The “stormy seas” rage from within and without, there is no peace at home-anywhere-anymore. Your Knight left you “standing out in the wilderness, alone in the cold.” You fight the day to day battles of the world, and come home to your private battle of domestic violence. There is no “pie in the sky,” no “life in paradise.” Your fantasy of “magic spells” and marital bliss proved to be poisoned apples in disguise. No more “royal” kisses, the “fantasy is over,” but it is not your “destiny to die!”

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Your story ended like too many love stories do, “reality steps into view.”..............................................

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

Fairy tales are a set-up for failure, if they are accepted as real life. Young girls, who envision the fantasy of being rescued, will spend their lives waiting for just that-to be rescued by a handsome Prince. Someone who will make all the bad things in life disappear with the touch of a kiss. The problems that fairy tales create for young, middle-aged and elder females is this, they learn to spend their lives looking outside of themselves for validation and self-worth.

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And here is another point, no man can validate you because most of them are broken themselves. While women are searching for someone to “rescue” them, so are many men. And when you meet an emotionally needy man, and you are emotionally needy yourself, what do you think will be the result? Someone is bound to be disappointed in the end.

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You are possibly looking for the protective father you never had, and he is possibly looking for the nurturing mother he never had. The end result, the relationship will most likely fail. For, neither one of you can take the place of a parent that wasn’t what they should have been to you as a child.

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And the opposite is also true; you cannot spoil your mate like they were spoiled by a parent. Daddy may have made a lot of money in his successful business. But your husband works a blue-collar job, and he is barely making ends meet. You cannot push him to be like Daddy-he is not your Daddy! And a man cannot expect his spouse to run behind him with a pooper scooper just because his Mommy did it. Your mate may believe in equally sharing the household chores, and caring for the kids.

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Fairy tales cause women to envision how they would “like” things to be in a relationship, but “reality” is a sorrowful eye-opener. As human beings, especially women, we must learn to see humanity as clearly as God see us-broken and in need of His love, guidance, forgiveness and salvation.

This is very difficult to do; however, we as women must learn to think with our heads, and not with our hearts. Our hearts often prove to be deceitful in many ways. We can be deceived by others and their intentions and we can deceive ourselves through our emotions. Proverbs 12:20 confirms that “deceit is in the heart.” And James 1:26 also verifies that we are capable of deceiving our own hearts.

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NOTE:
 Satan's most effective tool is deception. Even if the abused miss the warning signs, the violent and abusive behaviors are still the responsibility of the abusers.
 

RECOMMENDED READING
Women DON'T need FAIRY TALES!
"Do you keep hoping that if you just love him enough he'll change?"
"Excellent book for anyone caught up in another person."

 
NOTE:

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

 

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009

All rights reserved.

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Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®,© Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation - Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
 
Also using scripture from the KJV where noted.
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IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!
 
Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
 
To learn more about the Hotline, please click on the following link:
 
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SAFETY ALERT: Computer use can be monitored and it is impossible to completely clear all website footprints.
If you are in danger, please use a safer computer that your abuser can not access
directly or remotely.
 
Learn more about internet safety:

NOTE: THIS WEBSITE DOES NOT ENDORSE ANY PARTICULAR CHURCH OR BELIEF, EXCEPT CHRISTIAN BELIEFS. However, the Wisdom of God can be found wherever God leads us to discover and experience it. Jesus Christ and Him crucified is the foundation of this ministry.

 

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