NOTE: Men are
not the only ones who abuse and commit violence towards others. However, it is well documented that more men abuse women statistically.
I will also post information for women who are abusive, and where they can find help.
HELP FOR MEN WHO
I recently read a post where
a woman was questioning the lack of help for abusive men-mainly, her man. In her post, she expressed her concerns about men
who recognize that they have a problem, and want to change-but there’s is help for them to make a change. She noted
that in “rare” instances, there are men who desire to end the violence-perhaps to become better husbands, fathers,
citizens, and feel better about who they are. The main question in her post is:
“WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR
MEN TO GET HELP????”
”No wonder they don't. We women would LOVE our (abusing) men to get past their "issues"
that harm us both. Our men have great things to offer! That's why we're with them, and many times, why we stay with them.”
returning to them confounds police and the courts. But they're not violent all the time. And these men ARE often good men
who simply don't know how to change, or don't know why they do this. So women are forced to vilify these men, leave them and
the men are left to repeat their behaviors.”
“This is bizarre. Women
can find help (though the police and courts can be complete Neanderthals at recognizing and dealing with it), solace and support,
but what about men???”
”My man and I were stymied by this, and are so entangled in the legal system, while
loving/abusing/whatever each other and are completely confounded. Though we can't legally speak to each other, due to the
protective order I had to take out.”
What I have gathered from this
post is, the abused and the abuser alike may desire change so that they can have a relationship without his abusive mistreatment
of her. Like many abused women, she chooses to see the “great things to offer” concerning her man. But the “protective
order” strongly indicates that her man hasn’t found a way to be rid of the negative behaviors, in order that they
may live a life of peace and harmony. She indicated that her man was “not violent all the time,” which suggests
that he does have some level of self-control.
Also, please note that the couple
is “loving/abusing/whatever each other.” This statement may also suggest that both the abused and the abuser may
have issues with temperament, and a lack of self-control. This could be a “tit-for-tat” situation-he said and
she reacted-or vise versa. Without knowledge of the whole issue concerning this union, it is difficult to pin point the exact
cause of the marital discord. But one thing is for sure, whether two people are Christians or not, it is very difficult to
blend two different personalities as “one” without putting in a lot of time to do a lot of hard work-emotionally,
physically, spiritually, verbally and so on.
She made some very valid points
in her post, and I agree that there are abusive men who desire to change- but do not know how. I have known a few personally
who made the change, and they are now Christian husbands. Not perfect husbands, but they no longer abuse their wives, and
they treat them with respect. The main source of their change is humbling themselves to allow the Word of God to convict
them of their sins, and receive Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Apart from that, I am convinced that there will be
no significant change in the heart of the abusers.
There are many great programs
forming on the horizon such as “Men Stopping Violence.” I don’t have any personal connections with any of
these men, however, I am willing to bet that Something, and Someone bigger than themselves convicted their hearts of their
wrong-doing. Abusive personalities don’t wake up one day and say, “Oh well, I guess it is time for me to change.”
Something deep within has to
happen to cause them to see themselves as they really are. And in doing so, they are convinced that they do not like what
they see. This change may take place the last time he puts his wife in the hospital, or after he kills her. He may also realize,
“I am becoming my dad” who beat his mother unmercifully time after time. But a heart transformation is where the
“new man” begins to walk in the light-and God is that Light. Jesus is the Light of the world (John 8:12), and
all who desire to come to the Light must leave darkness behind.
If I could possibly
interview the men who abused and beat my mother, I would. The first question I would ask is “Why?” Why did you
beat my mother, and what could she have possibly done to make you so angry?
I would like to
know what a man thinks about when he is punching a woman who can’t fight back. What does it feel like to see the terror
in her eyes? Here is this helpless woman whom you outweigh, and you are punching her, randomly bruising her precious body.
Is the violence about rage? Dominance? Control? Craziness? Hate? Are you envisioning someone else that you hate while punching
her? Do you see your dad whom you hate in your mind? Or do you see your mom? The bully at school who taunted you? The older
brother who used to use your body for a punching bag? WHAT?
What does it feel
like to feel your fists pounding on her flesh? Is this your way of releasing your anger and frustrations in life? How do you
feel when the battering is over, for the moment, when you look at the damage you have done? When you bit her, where did the
rage come from? What were you envisioning when she was screaming for help, trying to block your vicious blows? When you close
your eyes and replay the scenes of violence, do you feel satisfied with yourself? Are you proud of yourself? Does it make
you feel like a man?
society, your friends, your upbringing play a part in the violence? Do you consider it “macho” to beat on a woman?
Do you brag to your friends? Do you consider it cowardly to apologize, and really mean it to the point of stopping the violence?
Do you see your own failures in life? Did you have a Cinderella in mind, and you were somehow disappointed? Do you hate yourself?
Are you selfish? Egotistical? Evil?
Hopefully, an abusive
man who desires to change will find this post. And if God should lead him here, it is my hope that he will take note of the
above questions and answer them honestly. Most of all, I hope that he will keep reading as it is my quest to research lay
means of assistance for those who secretly and acknowledge hope for change.