After reading the above article, I took a moment to reflect upon three words that the author used, “ashamed, humiliated, and degraded.”

So often, the abused use the same exact descriptions of how they feel about the mistreatment. I applied each term to one of my own experiences, and this is what I came up with.

ASHAMED

Charles- (an ex) – I felt ashamed afterwards for getting involved with him. His family warned me that he had a history of domestic violence, and he has a very bad temper. I could not match how he was treating me to what was being said to me – about him. At least not until the verbal abuse and violence began. My first feelings of shame involved not listening to the warnings, and closing my eyes to the possibilities that the abuse could happen to me as well.

I felt ashamed that I was so needy for companionship that I chose to ignore the warnings. It was difficult to understand that a mother could speak so ill of her son – as his mother did – and I counted it as jealousy. I found out later that the mother didn’t want her son to leave home, for he was a buffer between her and her abusive husband. NOTE: He worked out of town most of the week. So he kept a room at his parent’s home to keep his own place from being robbed while away – and to save money.

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I felt shame for allowing myself to be fooled by the devil. I was fed the illusion that said, “It happened to her, it won’t happen to me.” Most abused women tend to live in denial – I was one of them. We falsely conclude that the “other woman” must have had issues that triggered the abuse. Because we know we are “good” women, we also conclude that the violence won’t happen to us. We see domestic violence as the “other woman’s problem,” – until it happens to us.

I felt shame for I was physically limited to defend myself. There were times in my life that I have often wished to be a man. When the abuse and violence were upon me, I wished I could have instantly transformed into the Incredible Hulk – or something.

I felt shame for I was intellectually competent, but emotionally weak.

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I felt shame for I wasn’t strong enough to spend time alone, and heal. But in my defense, for most of my life, I didn’t know I needed healing, in every way. I am now taking the time to heal from childhood trauma. I am no longer seeking a cushion for the pain.

I felt shame for not taking a closer look before leaping into love, lust, and dependency - whatever.

I felt shame for I let God down, and myself in many ways.

I felt shame for I knew that I deserved much better, but gratified the loneliness, and made excuses.

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Humiliated

I was humiliated, disgraced, and dishonored by the abuse and the violence. As a human being, I deserve much more.

I was humiliated by the awful names that I was called, and by a “Christian” man – no less.

I was humiliated and embarrassed once people were made aware of the abuse. I was too shamed to admit it, but could no longer hide it. I wanted to live.

I was humiliated because of the bruises, and injuries that I hid. I felt embarrassed to tell anyone; after all, I ignored the warning signs.

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Degraded

Violence and abuse are degrading period! I felt degraded as a human being, non-valued as someone Jesus Christ died for.

I felt degraded as a child of God, and knew that it was wrong. We are commanded to forgive, however, abuse should not be tolerated past the first time. In most cases, the first violent incident is a sign of more to come – and worst.

Violence and abuse causes one to feel less than human. If there are past situations of abuse in childhood, abuse in adulthood serves as to reinforce feelings of worthlessness.

It is difficult to share stories of abuse with your friends and family. When you first introduced them to your beloved, you didn’t say, “This is my abuser.” You were happy, in love, and hopeful that you had found your Mr. Right. People may have referred to you as being a “smart” person, and yet, you opened the door of your life to hell. In my case, I was asked, “And you didn’t see this coming as smart as you are?” I was embarrassed by the question, and the accusation, which I translated as -  “How can someone as smart as you are not see the real deal?” That is embarrassing. On the other hand, the signs can be missed due to deception.

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Sometimes I think my pride got in the way as well. I just could not believe that I allowed someone so wrong to get that close to me. I kept trying to make things work, but I kept losing myself in the process. I wanted to prove everyone wrong, even myself. Like countless other women, we keep dreaming and hoping that a heavenly – magic wand will pop the abusers on the head, and they will be all fixed.

I also felt shame because of the childhood sexual abuse I endured. When we are damaged as children, the adult reasoning processes gets very confused. I reasoned not in truth, but how I wanted to see things – the fairy tale way. I could not control the violence and abuse at home growing up, so I convinced myself that I could control it in my adult life. Not so!

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It is ok to admit that our crossed wiring causes us to make bad decisions. What will make our lives worst is staying in a situation that we know will not produce glory to God. What glory or praise does God receive from domestic violence and abuse? The early Christians were martyrs, at the hands of the evil people in the world. The cause of Christ does not require His followers to suffer violence and abuse in our homes.

It’s ok to acknowledge feeling “ashamed, humiliated, and degraded,” However; we must do something about it. We make mistakes in life, but we don’t have to live them. Some will be permanent, but the ones we can do something about, we should act with boldness and confidence that God is on our side.

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