Any church leader
that counsels an abused woman “Cook better,” “Don’t push your husband’s buttons,” “Pray
harder,” or worst yet, “It is God’s will,” obviously doesn’t know the heart of God. In fact,
I would suggest that the ministers pray harder themselves for the correct interpretation of the Word of God. Their misunderstanding
of how to “rightly divide the Word” is causing many Christian women to abandon their relationship with our Creator.
In doing so, all hope of eternal salvation is lost.
God is not a male
chauvinist, who gives earthly men the green light to dominate, control, abuse, violate and destroy the souls of their mates.
No, this is the erroneous teaching of men who learned from society and various mediums how not to be a real man. Only
the Word of God can teach men how to be the men that God intended them to be. Look unto Jesus Christ, did He abuse, dominate,
control, demean, violate, strike or place women in compromising positions? What scripture – pray tell, points to Jesus
verbally abusing women and children? Where in scripture does God permit a man
to rape his wife, and reward him for doing so?
of the bible will always point out scriptures that can be interpreted for selfish purposes. No minister
can honestly say that beating or abusing your wife is permissible according to certain scripture verses. If so, I wish someone
would point them out to me – they won’t. And why? Because scriptures that condone violence against one another.
In fact, you will read just the opposite, “Love one another" (John 13:35). This
is not a plea, but a command. I challenge anyone that reads the bible to show me where scripture says, “If your wife
burns dinner again tonight, slap her silly.”
Better yet, show me
where the Word says, “Lock her in the closet all day if she doesn’t obey you.” Still yet, “Strip her
of her self-esteem, take away her money, and all of her support.” Where in scripture does it say, “Teach your
sons how to hit and abuse women?” Does the bible teach that raising up your son includes, “Beat your woman to
keep her in check?” Or how about this, “Shoot her in the head if she keeps on mouthing off.”
Nor will you find
scriptures that give a woman the right to verbally abuse her husband, and physically harm her children. If your husband isn’t
measuring up to your human standards, God does not suggest, “Scratch his eyes out, and hit him with a frying pan.”
Nor does he say, “Verbally blast him and make him feel as small as you can.”
Jesus our Lord left
an example of how we should conduct ourselves as children of God. The foundation of His teachings are based on love, “For
God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son…” (John 3:16) God is LOVE! And His commandments are
not grievous, but intended for our good. The Word becomes an inconvenience when the flesh desires to have its own way. What
happens then is – the Word is twisted to suit the fancies and whims of mortal man, who from the beginning desired to
be a god – to take the place of Almighty God.
Instead of arguing
about what scriptures do say, maybe it is time to point out what they don’t say. When dominating and controlling husbands
use scripture to abuse their wives, they are filling in the blanks, where there are no blanks. What they are doing is akin
to adding and subtracting to and from the Word of God. And that process brings about a curse. Just look at our homes today,
wouldn’t you say they are cursed in many ways? They are cursed not by God, but by their actions and misquoting of Holy
Scriptures. This is cause and effect, reaping what is being sown.
I challenge every
Christian man, and every abusive Christian wife, to find scriptures that sanction their ungodly behaviors. If we claim to
be followers of Jesus Christ, and own Him as our Lord and Savior, then we must acknowledge that domestic violence and abuse
is ungodly, evil, and frowned upon by heaven. There are no scriptures to justify wrong behavior; therefore, there is no excuse
I also challenge anyone
big enough at the Second Coming of Christ, or when you meet Jesus in death to stand up for your right to be abusive and violent.
You may act big and bad while in the flesh, but I assure you, the presence of God will cause your heart to fail.
"If I had not come and spoken
to them, they would not have sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin."
"Jesus said to them, 'If you
were blind, you would have no sin; but since you say, 'We see,' your sin remains."
"For since the creation of
the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through
what has been made, so that they are without excuse."
“The thief does not come except
to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
Years ago, a friend
of mine described her marriage as “Two sickies trying to make a wellie.” I had never heard that term before, and
Gale explained that it is used in AA- (Alcoholics Anonymous). Both Gale and John were in recovery from the disease of alcoholism
when I first met them. At the time, they had a 5-year old daughter, Amy, who is much older now. On the surface, Gale and John
appeared to love one another, but there was something that was causing a rift in their marriage – unresolved childhood
Whatever family dysfunctions
Gale and John experienced prior to marriage, the unresolved issues are what they each brought to the marriage. True, I don’t
have a fancy title behind my name, and really, I don’t need one. It has been said, “Experience is the best teacher,”
and I have enough experience in family dysfunction to know what I am talking about. Besides, I thank God for giving me the
ability to read and understand. It is His Wisdom that I rely on to guide me into “all” truth. With that said,
here is my take on Gale and John, and so many failed relationships – including my own.
Even before becoming Christians, we are human
– and will be until we die. There are some that may erroneously conclude that all Gale and John need is Jesus, and all
would be well within their home. There was a time that I thought this way as well, but now I know better. Here’s an
example of how I think now. I believe in the power of prayer, and healing of mind, body, and soul. The best thing a Christian
can do to maintain sanity in times of sickness and trouble is learn to trust God completely.
This way of thinking in my opinion takes the
pressure off of me, and lightens my burdens.I also believe that God gave mankind various gifts, and we are to
use them for God’s glory, and the benefit of others. If you are sick, there are doctors that can most likely heal you.
And it is God Himself that provides the wisdom and knowledge of healing. If you are in trouble with the law, God made lawyers
to help you. Even in the case of various addictions, God has provided programs to help people overcome the chains that bind,
and extends His hand of hope as your “Higher Power,” and “God, as you come to know God for yourself.”
We get ourselves in trouble in life, but our heavenly Father always provides a “way of escape.”
Gale and John were
blessed to find AA, and learned a lot about their “disease” – alcoholism. Through marriage, they thought
they could keep each other sober, and help each other stay strong. In addition, they both secretly believed that all of their
needs, past, present, and future would be met – if they could only control one another. Gale and John were two half
circles trying desperately to make a whole unit that would survive their rocky marriage. The sad reality is, if both Gale
and John had continued on the path of personal enlightenment, allowing God and wisdom to heal them, perhaps their marriage
would not have been so difficult.
Neither Gale nor John
knew who they really were. As individuals, they each experienced family dysfunction as children, and they both assumed their
lives were “normal.” However, when trying to blend various unresolved issues together in a relationship, there
is bound to be turmoil. Gale never healed from sexual abuse when she was 6-years old, and John can still feel the blows on
his body from his abusive father. Each of these atrocities formulates their own set of confusion and pain that needs to be
addressed. If not, the damage produced by these experiences – children will carry over into their adult lives, thus
making day to day unmanageable. I am living proof.
I learned a lot from
participating in an online group for adult children of alcoholics. I like the online meetings better, for I can share my feelings
and experiences freely without being judged. There are books and workbooks that I have purchased, and I am reading about the
steps to wholeness, and drawing closer to my Higher Power – Whom I choose to call my God. Everyday I learn more about
myself, and I feel my inner child peeking through, to catch a glimpse of the present. It is my prayer that she will soon be
participating in all that is done in the now.
This short synopsis
isn’t meant to draw a total and final conclusion as to why relationships don’t work. There are many factors involved
in our relating to one another in a harmonious and loving way. One of the main components of a healthy relationship is recognizing
the need for our inner child to heal. Not all family dysfunction involved(s) drugs and alcohol, but that doesn’t mean
that mental illness, or abusive behaviors don’t leave scars. Even the best of families have issues that they struggle
with, as there are no “perfect” parents. The only Perfect Parent we have is God!
As I work on my own
inner healing, I realize that I must know myself – completely – before I can know another. I am discovering myself
for the first time – same as Gale. Once the healing begins, you start to see reality for what it is. No more rose colored
glasses; no more lying to yourself, and others; no more pretending that everything is fine; no more allowing others to control
your life; no more denying that life is worth living; no more hiding from the past; no more taking blame that doesn’t
belong to you; no more playing God; no more trying to fix up a person so you will have someone to love; no more denial; no
more alienating yourself from your True Parent, and source of hope – God.
Once Gale started
on her journey to healing, she knew that she had to leave her codependent position – and save herself. John went back
to drinking, and started to become verbally and physically abusive. Gale stopped lying to herself, and admitted that she is
not God, and that she has no saving power that would help her husband. Gale’s beautiful daughter Amy gave her the strength
that she needed to move on. The cycle of dysfunction had to be broken in order for her daughter not to live the same life
that she lived as a child, and a married woman. God gave Gale the gift of AA and other programs that helped her to become
whole. The death of Jesus Christ on the cross was the best gift of all – she could now forgive herself, as He has forgiven
her – and took away her shame.
Below you will find
interesting posts and links, that I hope will enlighten you further. This post isn’t meant to suggest breaking up your
marriage, only you can determine if that is something that you should do. It is only meant to provide some of the missing
pieces of the puzzle that is driving many people literally insane. However, as you grow in the Grace of God, you may find
that drastic changes are in order. Pray about it, ask for help, and seek the Wisdom of God. Only God and you know what’s
best for your life. And remember this truth, “two halves don’t make a whole,” in relationships.
Winners Don't Whine and Whiners Don't Win
is always part of the answer.
The Whiner: is always part of the problem.
The Winner: always has a program.
Whiner: always has an excuse.
The Winner: sees an answer for every
The Whiner: sees a problem for every answer.
The Winner: makes a mistake and
says "I'm wrong."
The Whiner: makes a mistake and says "Its not my fault."
The Winner: listens.
waits for his turn to whine.
The Winner: experiences misfortune
and asks "What can I learn?"
The Whiner: experiences misfortune and asks "Why me?"
The Winner: works the steps through
The Whiner: takes steps around a problem and then whines because it doesn't go away.
Whiners don't win.”
Dysfunctional Families: Recognizing
And Overcoming Their Effects
Amy Winehouse and Blake are killing each other, says her mother-in-law