Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence

Should I Forgive My Abuser-cont.'
Email subscriptons
SITE MAP - Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence. Org
DV Personal Stories
The Things We Don't Want To Talk About
You Are Not Alone!
Judges Chapter 19
Harpo and Sophia -- (The Color Purple)
The Signs of Abuse
Resources For Those Who Abuse
Domestic Violence/Abuse Courses
An Open Letter to Pastors
There Is Nothing New Under The Sun
Preach the Word!
The Wrong Advice
Thus Saith the Lord
She Was Married To Christ First
Biblical Submission
Domestic Violence And Alcohol
Happily Ever After
Teen Dating and Violence
My Favorite Hymns and Prayers
Links - When It Is Time To Leave
Resources For Church Leaders
Visit My Store
Man Is Defiled From Within
Profile of the Sociopath
Can Abusers Change?
Should I Forgive My Abuser?
You Are So Sensitive
Myths That Can Destroy A Marriage
Domestic Violence/The Workplace
Male Victims of Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence and Abusive Women
Domestic Violence and Advertising



When forgiveness is extended to an offending party, does it mean that we have to continue to be in their company? This is a question that many who have experienced abuse and domestic violence wrestle with once separated. You can’t forget the horrible beatings, the verbal abuse and the many trips to the hospital. And in some cases, you may have to carry a permanent reminder of the battery in the form of a physical scar. But in your heart, you have forgiven the trespasses, even verbally. Now what?


No one can tell you what to do concerning your experiences with domestic violence and abuse. Going back to an abuser, or maintaining contact is a personal decision. However, in too many cases, the repentance of the one who abuses is often lip service. Without a LOT of time, Divine intervention, counseling, behavior change (repentance), and the like, most likely the abuse will take on another form, and become worst over time. You will often hear, “If you leave me, you haven’t forgiven me.” Well this is not necessarily true.



Since God is the only One that truly knows what is in our hearts, no one can accuse you of being unforgiving if you really forgave. Most of all, forgiveness is not about the offender, it is about you and your relationship with God. In order for you to be forgiven by God for all of the mistakes you will make in life, you must forgive others from the heart. Forgiveness is about letting go of the animosities, anger, resentment, thoughts of revenge, and seeking God’s peace and direction for your life. It is also about giving a person, or situation over to God for Him to make of it as He sees fit. While you are seeking a higher plane of spirituality, the offender should be doing the same.


Unfortunately, this does not always happen. There are many men now standing up like real men and acknowledging their abusive faults, and they are reaching out for help. There is more help for abused women and children, so the likelihood of finding help for men who abuse is almost non-existent. And this is where the church is failing, as well as other areas concerning domestic violence and abuse.


Some marriages are damaged to the point of no return. This is especially true in the case where children may have experienced abuse and violence as well. It is very difficult to extend full forgiveness while you are still suffering from pain and anguish. That will come with God’s help-in time. Repentance is a process, and so is forgiveness. And most assuredly, forgiveness does not equal forgetting. There are lessons to be learned in what we suffer in life, especially at the hands of others. Nor does forgiveness mean that we have to trust an abuser. We can forgive someone without putting ourselves in the position to be victimized again. Love can be achieved and so can forgiveness, but we still must protect ourselves.

When we forgive, we are letting go and allowing God’s vindication to bring about justice. In His time and His way, He will vindicate those who were wronged, and will punish those who offend and harmed. In too many cases, reconciliation is neither helpful nor appropriate. It is very difficult to stop loving someone and walk away. But this may be your only hope in surviving. Please note that many women are in more danger when they decide to leave an abusive situation. However, if you are already removed, it may be in your best interest to move on permanently. Again, no one can make that decision but you.



If church disciplines were in full force according to scripture, an abused spouse would be able to carry out the follow instructions:

“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”


Matthew 18:15-17


And who is your “brother?” They are your fellow believers in Christ, male or female-even your spouse. The word brethren is also used to describe fellow believers in Christ; Matthew 28:10 and John 20:17. Also, those united by a common calling, Revelations 22:9; and persons united by common interest, Matthew 5:47.


So, in light of Matthew 18:15-17, the abused should be able to go to the church to seek scriptural help. If it is safe to “show him” (or her) fault “between the two of you," and he or she listens, “you have won your brother (or sister) over.” This means that they understood that they were wrong, and is willing to correct their behavior. They have truly repented, and changed their ways. Unfortunately, abusers don’t readily acknowledge their wrong doing, as they tend to blame the victims for their ungodly deeds. So the next step would be to “take one or two others along…” This doesn’t usually happen either.

Many people view domestic violence as a “private matter,” and are ashamed to let others know that they are suffering. Many Christians would rather pretend during fellowship that all is well, and live fake lives before their congregation. And “tell it to the church”- this doesn’t happen for many reasons. One of the main reasons is, more danger for the abused if the abusers won’t listen to reason. The church has the authority from God Himself to handle these matters, but the abused will not take these steps out of fear and shame. On the other hand, too many churches are ill-equipped to handle domestic violence issues. And others just don't want to get involved.


Unfortunately, separation and divorce becomes the norm in most domestic violence cases. In extreme situations, death does at times do them part; the abuser kills the abused and vise versa. Until the true church of God stands up and denounce domestic violence and abuse, the abused will have to make decisions that will keep them alive, and free from this atrocity.


Ecclesiastes 12:14 says, “For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.” Those who do wrong cannot hide from God. The following are scriptures along with prayer, will help you to see God's best for your life: 

“The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person.” Ecclesiastes 12:13

“and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."  Matthew 18:15-17

“A man of great anger will bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:19

“Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting with strife.” Proverbs 17:1

“A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.” Proverbs 17:10

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22

“Better is a dish of vegetables where love is than a fattened ox served with hatred.” Proverbs 15:17

“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20

"Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease." Proverbs 22:10


A Lifestyle of Forgiveness




No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.


© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009

All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®,© Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation - Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
Also using scripture from the KJV where noted.

Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
To learn more about the Hotline, please click on the following link:
SAFETY ALERT: Computer use can be monitored and it is impossible to completely clear all website footprints.
If you are in danger, please use a safer computer that your abuser can not access
directly or remotely.
Learn more about internet safety:

NOTE: THIS WEBSITE DOES NOT ENDORSE ANY PARTICULAR CHURCH OR BELIEF, EXCEPT CHRISTIAN BELIEFS. However, the Wisdom of God can be found wherever God leads us to discover and experience it. Jesus Christ and Him crucified is the foundation of this ministry.




Any information on this site is for informational purposes only. Visitors of this site shall assume all responsibility as to how the shared information will be used on a personal basis. This organization does not provide counseling services of any kind.

Page copy protected against web site content infringement
                                       by Copyscape